just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m going to turn your daughter gay…
unless she’s hot
"Mom, Dad…I’m a thespian."
*aggressively snaps while dramatically exiting stage right*
"The Bible says Adam and Eve,
not *snap snap* *jazz hands* and *dramatic leave*”
Mom: “your just going through a stage”
Me: “no mom, I’m going on stage” *strikes dramatic pose*
John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner
THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE
GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY
This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.
This is my favorite story ever and I will reblog it every time I see it.
i hate spotify ads because i listen to playlists in the shower a lot and there is nothing more startling than being completely naked and suddenly hearing lebron james say “i’ll tell you what makes me thirsty”
I googled “angry duck” and I’m really glad I did
I feel you, little duck
Study after study after study shows that spanking children causes anger, aggression, decreased impulse control, anxiety, lower thresholds for frustration etc etc
You didn’t “turn out just fine” because you were smacked, you turned out “just fine” IN SPITE of it.
I also wouldn’t call someone who thinks violence against children is okay “just fine” but.. Y’know.
i didn’t turn out just fine.
one time my parents had an argument because my dad bought a bald cap for $2.70 but he was already bald